Excerpts from a book I would Write - 01

I waited in the hallway waiting to be guided around the house. She came down the stairs, with her walking stick. Her hair was light purple color along with some white here and there. She saw and gave me a smile, a beautiful peaceful smile, the one that would tell you that everything in life is going to be okay. 

She said to me whispering, "Just a minute." and walked in her living room. 

I took a few steps to see what she was up to, curiosity was killing me. I saw a screen on the wall and saw a teenager on it. She was having a video call. 

The boy on the video call said, "There you are beautiful."

She replied, "Shut the f*#k up. Don't try to change the topic. You are going to do what I told you and till then I don't want to hear the nonsense of you are in love, because you are not! Loser Nephew!"

"Okay, alright. As you say. Love you, see you soon." he said and the call ended.

Her reply to him was with irritation but it had love in it. She came out slowly and again smiled at me and led me to the kitchen. 

She had a beautiful kitchen. She had a dining table of 5 kept and I sat there. She said, "Tea is ready, I will pour it out." I nodded and waited. On the table I saw a to-do-list. Curiosity again killed me when I saw – ‘throw paint balloons at his grave.’

She sat down and served me a cup and took a sip from her own cup. I looked up at her and asked,"Sorry my curiosity is killing me. You have written throw balloons at his grave?? He is dead and you are throwing paint at his grave?".

She said, "Paint balloons.”

I looked all the more confused and she continued kindly, "It is paint balloons. If you want to get your interview right, you should ask me - He is dead and you are throwing paint balloons at his grave?

I nodded in agreement and before I could rephrase my question she continued to answer, "He is dead." She said this with an acknowledgement in her voice. She seemed to accept the fact that he is dead with ease.

She then continued, "And I visit his grave and throw paint balloons on his grave. I do that so that his grave stands out amongst the others you know. This is how he wanted to be in life. Attention seeking maniac."

She takes another sip of tea and chuckles, "believe me if I didn't do that then he would be sulking in his grave and would be questioning “what's the fun in this?"

The Queen's Drudge

"We were so good, you let me go for no real reason."

Did I ?

Dear ‘Mr. Oh we were so good !!’

You were never mine to keep.

But you don't agree,

Because you stamped me as your own property.

My dear, get your vision checked,

For I am a human, not a statue to keep in your showcase.

You want me to be yours,

But you put up conditions.

Honey, I didn't sign a 'terms and conditions apply' before meeting you!!

You carried on, thinking "slowly she will change."

But I am not clay whom you can mould.

You went ahead, and thus started your lust,

we had fun,

and you say, "see we have so much fun, we are good."

but you forget, your lust is a dying craving, if I walk off.

you have the ego, the nerve to rule the world,

and so you want to own me.

Your ego, your nerve, saddens me,

For you found something in me,

Yet you can’t have me.

Sweetheart, I don’t look for heads nodding,

in approval of my presence.

I walk on the path I draw for myself.

I raised my own kingdom and I alone rule it.

You might be the much wanted prince,

You might be the ruler everyone wants,

But I am the queen of this kingdom,

Where your world has no existence.

And I define your position as nothing but a drudge.

The D-Monster

There is a monster I know and maybe you all know it too. An invisible, sad, dark, life sucking monster. It comes uninvited irrespective of how many rough times or good times you have had in your life. It is the monster who captures your heart & mind unknowingly and you have no idea on how to get out of its hold because your mind is shut down by it and your heart does not know how to beat anymore. You get handcuffed by this invisible monster and your life gets sucked out of you right infront of you and the entire world.

This monster feels like a drug. An addiction you get addicted to without even knowing what you are getting into. An addiction your heart & mind gives into. You are made to consume all that sadness, that helplessness, that feeling of being lost, of being blind and yet not blind over and over again. You get addicted to it and one fine day you land in a war zone.

A war zone where your heart & mind are fighting really hard in the start with this monster. It is a war zone where you have no weapons really. All you have is a soul fighting for release. Fighting for the sunshine, for the darkness to end. And while you are fighting this monster, you also have to face the world. A world where you wake up every morning and put on a mask of ‘I’m Fine’ and walk out the door.

The minute you want to talk about your capture, the monster comes right behind you, giving you a hug which disgusts you and makes you feel weak at the same time. It whispers in your ears, “Shush darling … you should not be talking about this to anyone. You know why?”. And you close your eyes and your standing soul falls on the knees. The monster continues, “Because sweetheart it is not real for this world. Remember that you are all alone in this captive. This is your battle and you don’t get to talk about it.” And right there your soul breaks even more.

You are made to do this by that monster. You are told to be quiet about being captive, you are forbidden to talk about what is going on in you because whatever you say is not real for the world. You put up that mask and go on till you can. You then get back home and are forced to go back into the arms of this monster.

Your identity washes away, your thoughts/opinions do not matter anymore, what, where, why, how – none of these matter anymore. Your life is being sucked out and you feel dehydrated.

You slowly start loving the company of the monster. Be it late in the night when you are all by yourself or in the morning amidst the crowded world. You will be sitting infront of your family/friends with a smile and inside you, the monster is feasting on your soul piece by piece. The feel of being sucked away, of feeling broken, hurts you in the start but later on feels good. You start loving the monster.

And as this addiction to the pain and love for the monster increases, you give in. The monster becomes your family, friend, colleague and everything. It has successfully created a strong wall between you and the world. You watch yourself in the mirror and see a lifeless body.

And then one fine day, the monster tells you about the little distance between it and you. It tells you to cross ‘Death’. The monster brings you closer and shows you the comfort of leaving this messed up life and world. It manipulates you and tells you how much pain this living world is causing you. It convinces you that once you break the wall of death and walk across, all your worries and troubles end right then and there. The feeling of leaving this messed up life and world impresses you more than the feeling of fighting back.

The monster shows you the beauty of breaking down the wall of death and then walks away from you. The monster walks back to it’s throne and waits for you patiently. It is laughing at your misery, at your blindness and at the desperation you are in, for breaking the wall.

You can’t bear the distance any longer and you crave for this noisy world to shutup. You crave for the everlasting peace, the monster promised you. And so one fine day, you are dressed. Ready to marry the monster. Ready to give in and to become the slave forever. You forget about your family/friends because you are now completely drugged by this monster. You are not fogged anymore, instead you are completely blinded by the monster.

You walk on, gather your tools and in a matter of seconds or minutes, you break the wall. Your existence in this world is over. You are gone and are only missed. But the monster is happy and continues on its new hunt.

This monster is Depression !!

Many a times, people say that the person was perfectly fine, what happened suddenly? Why did the person not think about the family/friends? Suicide is never the answer and is a coward’s job!! We were right here, he/she could have spoken to us and we would have helped – To all these people, I would like to say : I am sorry but sometimes the monster’s grip is really strong. The feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being in the dark is way stronger than the love you all might have given. We are struggling and we want to get out of this but we do not know how? We do not know at times, how to explain what we are going through.

Many people ask – The person had good amount of wealth, had an amazing family and amazing friends. Then why did the person do this?? To this I would say - Our lives may seem good in terms of wealth, family and friends but deep inside we are lost. And this feeling is exactly something we cannot explain to anyone because we are lost.

It is very easy for someone to say that the act of suicide is a coward’s work but it is not. Be in that person’s shoes and you will know what it feels like. Depression does not come to you looking at the amount of rough times you have gone through in your life. It just happens. One fine morning, you wake up and find no purpose, no reason to live this life and feel like ending it. It just happens in such a manner that one day you find yourself the most happiest and blessed person having more than 10 people in your life and the very next day you find yourself all alone in this crowded noisy world. Depression might mean a phase to you but to the one suffering it is like being sentenced to a life term imprisonment. 

It is not like we do not want to do anything for ourselves nor is it such that we are enjoying being in this condition. We have just given up and we are tired of doing anything more. We have lost hope and we do not see any sun shining at the end of this tunnel. It is like I mentioned earlier, that we are blinded and so we feel nothing and want to do nothing.